Monday, 21 January 2013

The Difference

Since I last posted I've been through some crap in life. Christmas has come and go. I'm on anti depressants, actually taking them. I blame them for what's happening now.

It's a good thing.

The thing is, I'm still pretty fucking depressed. I get down; I feel like I'm going to cry and I still get the massive temptation to cut myself. My gender dysphoria still REALLY gets to me. It's the biggest cause of my depression at this moment. Also today is the two year anniversary of my dad's suicide.

But the difference is that I'm handling it better. When I feel the urge to cut I distract myself from doing it. When I go to bed at night I nag myself until I do what I need to do, AKA wash my face and brush my teeth. I listen to the voice of reason. When someone calls me "he" and I get depressed I don't let myself sink; I listen to the voice telling me that I am moving on into this world, and moving towards becoming a woman legally. And I will be fucking beautiful. I will be sexy. I will make those pricks says "Wow."
And I will be me, and I will be happy. I just have to take it one day at a time. I am not in a good place, but I am on the right road to get there. It is not easy to get through every day, but I will manage. I am ready to move on in my life, and I am ready to stop letting my fears control me.

Because don't get me wrong; I'm terrified. I'm just starting to do things in spite of my fears. I am able to rise above my depression and gender identity disorder. That is the difference.

Tuesday, 27 November 2012


Hi. I don't know what I have to say but I'm going to say it anyway. Maybe tonight I'll start on something different... An exploration on the story of my life, and how I've lived with depression.
Like, a bit of presentation style.

Here I am, alive.

At least, I figure that'll be the theme. It works well because I feel that one of my greatest accomplishments in life is the fact that I've been through hell and back, and managed to come out scarred but not dead. I have some purpose, and I haven't let depression beat me. That and it's the title of a song of my favourite band, Yellowcard, and I definitely wouldn't be here if I didn't have music to lift me up and inspire me.

Topics/issues to think about:

Most importantly... What the title theme is supposed to represent. I'm not a success story yet. I'm someone who's still working towards figuring myself out; but I am proud of the fact that despite attempts from life and myself to finish me, I am here today, alive.

Struggles in my life:

- Self harm, and how the scars continue to haunt me
- (Gender) Identity crises
   - How I wound up spending most my time at home trying and failing to figure out who I was, and how that drove me insane.
   - The troubles of trying to force myself to be androgynous
- The voices of failure and success
- How my self esteem became so low, and how not having confidence or faith in myself is what ultimately brought me down
- My three suicide attempts, and the consequences.
  - First attempt = swallowed 44 ibuprofen pills and got very sick. Eventually called my school counselor who got me to the hospital, and I wound up having to drink charcoal. Recieved anti depressants that worked, but drained me of my energy.
  - Second attempt = swallowed those same anti depressants then went to sleep and was my closest-to-death attempt. Wound up with slight brain damage that causes me small, random muscle spasms. This attempt created a feeling of wanting to gag every time I swallowed a pill.
  - Third attempt = drank a lot of alcohol and cut myself in a hot bath, eventually called 911 on myself after realizing I didn't have the heart to go through with it. Psych ward for three days. Created a lot of noticable scars, all over my body.
- Deaths in my life, and how loved ones leaving me affected me
- My Dad's suicide. How I struggle still to get over it.
- My brother's suicide attempt, and how he has affected me throughout our lives
 ^ Just family?

What has kept me alive and running
- My mother, father, and the family around me
- Animals, especially my dog, Winston
- Music. Of course, music.
- Friends. Even just the people I know online
- Spirituality. Being able to ignore logic and have faith in fate.
  - Having a set of morals, and knowing that as long as I follow them I'm at least doing something right.
- Therapy and being able to feel open when talking to people.
- The voice of success.
- Allowing myself to feel like, and be the girl that I am.

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Deity Hierarchy

So this is more for my personal reference than anything. I have this huge story with an expansive world... all in my head. One day I should really organize it.
Anyway, this is the hierarchy of the gods in this world.

Demigods- Those born from deities or chosen warrior of the deities.
Granz, Avatar of Alpha, chosen warrior. Embodies and promotes justice.
Omen, Avatar of Oblivion, chosen warrior. Human representative of death. Son of Khaos.
Kira, Avatar of Omega, chosen warrior. Dragonborn warrior of the void.
Heero, Avatar of Eterna, chosen warrior. Noble paladin with cursed blood.
Khaos, son of Oblivion, embodies the essence of destruction
Warr, son of Oblivion, embodies the essence of violence

Deities- Gods birthed from the high-deity of Creation. Represent various elements.
Omega, eldest deity. Created the void of space, and the bases of planetary systems. Embodies Matter and Darkness.
Alpha, second oldest. Brought light into the void, in the form of stars. Embodies Light.
Eterna, second youngest. Breathed life into the universe. Embodies Life.
Oblivion, youngest deity. Allowed life to eventually perish. Embodies Death.

High-deity of Space
Ultima, the Creator and Destroyer. Holds the raw power of creation and destruction that allows the universe to both begin and end.

High-deity of Time
the Oracle, master of time and guardian of Ultima. Knows both past and present, and holds the power to control and defend the volatile essence of Ultima.

Having no unique powers to call their own, Origin represents potential. They give the high deities of space and time the power to destroy the universe and infinite void then create it anew.

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Weapon guide/Evaluation for Jak 3

I know hardly anyone cares about this because it's a guide that's most likely been done a thousand times before, and it's for a game that came out almost 8 years ago... but I like talking about stuff I'm interested in(see the skills FAQ for Fallout 3)

So without further ado...

Ranking is based on usefulness compared to other gun mods. 1 = the least useful gun I find, 12 = the most useful.

Basic gun mods:

Max ammo capacity(with secrets):
Red: 150
Yellow: 300
Blue: 300
Purple: 20

Scatter Gun
Ammo type: Red
Upgrade: Increased Rate of Fire
Evaluation: It's the first weapon you get, and it's decent at that point. It's a basic shotgun that fires off a short range area blast. I find it essential to upgrade it as soon as you can, because the only real hindrances are the low rate of fire, and low damage.
Ranking: 5/12

Blaster Mod
Ammo type: Yellow
Upgrade: Increased Damage
Evaluation: The second mod you get. It's a single target, single shot rifle with pretty good range and damage. This is your standard rifle and if it weren't for the fact that it gets outclassed incredibly quickly, I would put this as the most used weapon in the game. Sadly, because of that fact; it's my least used weapon.
Ranking: 1/12

Vulcan Fury
Ammo type: Blue
Upgrade: Increased Damage
Evaluation: This is your standard machine gun. High rate of fire, around the same power as the blaster, and its rounds pierce multiple enemies. This weapon can be very good at clearing rooms, especially if you run out of ammo for everything else. That being said, when I want to conserve other ammo types is really the only time I'd use this weapon, largely because it eats up ammo like no tomorrow itself.
Ranking: 4/12

Peace Maker
Ammo type: Purple
Upgrade: Increased Radius
Evaluation: If you've played Jak 2 you remember this big daddy; it's the reason Sig scared the heck out you. Believe me, there's a reason you only get this weapon later in the game. It has a slight charge up time, after which it fires off an electric ball that homes in and blasts enemies in an area. With the Radius upgrade this weapon is incredible for clearing rooms. High power, high radius, auto-target, and the low ammo cost make this weapon one of the best.
Rank: 11/12

Rank 2 gun mods:

Wave Concussor.
Ammo type: Red
Upgrade: Increased Damage
Evaluation: Rank 2 is when gun mods start taking more than 1 ammo to fire off, and the Wave Concussor pulls it off valiantly. A fully charged shot takes up 5 ammo, and boy is it worth it. This weapon might not have massive amounts of power, but power isn't what you'll be using it for. This weapon fires off a circular wave that increases in radius depending on how much you charge it. The radius is pretty big and this means that it's the perfect weapon for taking out hordes of the tiny enemies that come charging at you often.
Rank 8/12

Beam Reflexor.
Ammo type: Yellow
Upgrade: Increased Reflections
Evaluation: The upgrade to the blaster, and using it will tell you why it outclasses the Blaster. It does everything the Blaster does, but with the addition of its shots reflecting off of anything it touches, including enemies. Each time a reflected shot hits an enemy it takes up an additional point of ammo, but the large yellow ammo capacity makes it more than worth it. Jumping up and using a spin kick while firing allows you to cover a large area with reflected shots, very fast; and if you time it right as you land you rapid-fire 3 additional shots*.
    Large ammo capacity combined with decent damage and the ability to clear rooms semi-reliably make this weapon my pick for most useful weapon in the game.
Rank: 12/12

*Note that this works with any weapon, but only the Blaster and Vulcan Fury weapons have a high enough rate of fire to actually make use of it.

Arc Wielder.
Ammo type: Blue
Upgrade: Robot Shock(deals extra damage to robots)
Evaluation: When you get this weapon it immediately outclasses the Vulcan Fury. It fires off a stream of electricity with limited homing capabilities, while eating up double the ammo. Combined with the Robot Shock upgrade this weapon is incredibly useful in the Act 2 missions after you get it, because of multiple instances where you must take out large numbers of robots. All in all, it's a good room clearer that can take down many enemies very quickly. Note that because it lacks the charge up time of the Vulcan Fury, it is very handy at taking down single robotic targets with Robot Shock.
Rank 7/12

Mass Inverter.
Ammo type: Purple
Upgrade: Increased Duration
Evaluation: This weapon does little damage itself, but creates an area in which gravity doesn't exist. All enemies and vehicles stop whatever they're doing and float in the air for a period of time, and after the time runs out they fall back to the ground taking minimal damage. While floating you can shoot at them or punch/kick them. Kicking them will cause them to float far away, potentially off a cliff and they'll take further damage after falling. As you should be able to tell, this weapon is best for making enemies stop bothering you if you're trying to run away; otherwise other damaging weapons are better.
    One interesting use of this weapon is when trying the Hang-time challenge in the Wasteland. After starting the challenge, enter and exit the vehicle then fire off the Mass Inverter. Your hang time will rise and you can quickly and easily gain the gold medal times.
Rank 3/12

Rank 3 gun mods:

Plasmite RPG.
Ammo type: Red
Upgrade: Reduced Ammo Consumption(10 to 8)
Evaluation: Boom! The Plasmite RPG is a bit misleading, as it isn't really rocket propelled. However it does fire off a grenade that explodes when it comes near or hits an enemy, and it doesn't even hurt you if you're too close! This weapon is fantastic despite eating up a lot of ammo because of high power and the ability to clear away flying enemies that might be a bit harder to hit with other weapons. The lack of recoil damage to yourself is also a HUGE positive, because it allows you to make crowds around you instantly disappear.
Rank 10/12

Gyro Burster.
Ammo type: Yellow
Upgrade: Increased Duration(25 rounds to 50)
Evaluation: It's a flying machine-gun turret that doesn't last all that long and eats up a lot of ammo. Fire it once and the turret pops up and continues flying in the direction you launched it; fire after it's up and it will stay in place until it runs out of rounds. Due to the fact that it eats up a lot of ammo very quickly, I generally wouldn't use this weapon much. However it can be useful for clearing crowds, especially because you can set one up and use other weapons alongside it.
Rank 6/12

Needle Lazer.
Ammo type: Blue
Upgrade: Reduced Ammo Consumption(3 to 2)
Evaluation: This weapon takes everything you love and hate about the Vulcan Fury and multiplies it. It fires three low power flying needles VERY quickly. These needles however fly and home in on enemies, allowing you to sit there firing while they search and destroy everything around you. In close quarters however this weapon falls short to the Reflexor because walls stop the needles in their place, while the Reflexor and Plasmite RPG love to bounce off walls. I would however, definitely get the reduced ammo consumption immediately. two ammo compared to three on a rapid fire weapon is HUGE.
Rank 9/12

Ammo type: Purple
Upgrade: Reduced Ammo Consumption(10 to 8)
Evaluation: Being the last upgrade to the purple gun mods, you know this weapon is going to be powerful. It fires off a WMD that flies a short distance and covers your screen in white. When the flash clears, so do the enemies around you. It's a powerful weapon that is incredibly useful to make everything around you disappear, but its drawbacks make this weapon terrible. It eats up a minimum of 8 ammo, when the purple guns have a max of 20; leaving you only able to fire off a maximum of 2 shots with a fully loaded gun. Also, if you're too close to the blast radius this weapon will hurt you, and possibly kill you. That's a big no-no.
    It's impossible to take this weapon and not compare it to the Plasmite RPG, because they have similar effects and purposes. Simply put, the Plasmite RPG is the better choice, because although they both take 8 ammo the RPG has a maximum capacity of 150 compared to 20, and the RPG doesn't hurt you if you're too close. I take safety and number of shots over a WMD that kills you in the process, any day.
Rank 2/12

Rank Summary:
1: Blaster
2: Supernova
3: Mass Inverter
4: Vulcan Fury
5: Scatter Gun
6: Gyro Burster
7: Arc Wielder
8: Wave Concussor
9: Needle Lazer
10: Plasmite RPG
11: Peace Maker
12: Beam Reflexor

I feel that the best weapons in this game boil down to amount of ammo, how powerful it is, how early you obtain the weapon, and how easy it is to clear mass amounts of enemies. The last point is simply because most of the time you run into enemies they're in hordes; you hardly ever face just one or two powerful enemies at once.

Boss information:
Most bosses require specific strategies to defeat, so I don't feel that there is one specific weapon that is useful for them all. Use what you feel is most comfortable and read an FAQ about the specific strategies for them.

Monday, 12 November 2012

Dearest Victoria

    When we became the Pokemon League Champions I was so proud of us. The combined effort of every member of the team pulled through and claimed victory. But I could not shake the feeling of failure, having lost Victoria the Victreebel at the last moment.
After the celebrations held in our honour my path led me to Lavender Tower where I would lay her soul to rest. I could only go alone, not wanting my new-found fans to witness me crying again. The channellers assured me she would be peaceful in the afterlife which comforted me, slightly. She would be at peace and I knew she would forgive me; but I wasn't sure that I could.

     Victoria had originally joined me north of Cerulean City where she lashed out from a patch of grass, angry that I had interrupted her beauty sleep. I liked her spunkiness so I brought her onto the team in preparation for our match against the water type gym of Cerulean. Her stay on my team originally only lasted for that gym challenge, as I already had a grass type in Viper, the Parasect. But as I worked through my adventure Viper began to be more of a burden than a blessing, and I wound up keeping him stabled with Professor Oak. This meant that Victoria would have a chance to join us once more and I knew she would not disappoint.
     Suffice to say she did not, despite originally being much weaker than her teammates. She was determined to make me proud; knowing that I had chosen her to be the replacement of a pokemon I had spent so much time with. After evolving into Weepinbell we both knew that at any moment of time she could evolve again to become more powerful, but she insisted on waiting until she had experienced life in her current form. She wanted to master one stage before moving onto another, just to make sure she was perfect for me and the friends she had gained while training. When Bella the Beedrill died; Victoria would let Edward sleep on her big leafy body when night came, trying to comfort him. In some ways I suppose she became the mother figure of the team, despite starting out as a princess.
     A day before we were set to head into Victory Road she decided that in preparation she wanted to evolve. Having learned how to control and master her current abilities she knew it was time to take the final step and become our V for victory, Victreebel. At last she had finally caught up to her friends, as they had all reached their last evolution long ago. Victoria was sure however that her patience would prove effective, and that she had gained much more from waiting rather than rushing into evolution. It didn't even matter at that point though; she had earned a permanent place in the hearts of myself and the rest of our little gang. Nothing could ever fill her place.
    When we finally were set up to face the Elite Four; Victoria and I worked on a new strategy that would take our opponents by surprise, and devastate them. In harsh sunlight her body would work double time and increase her speed twofold while also allowing her to unleash the sun's fury in a Solarbeam. I knew it was something special to match her own natural radiance. Not wanting to ruin the surprise factor we kept our plan hidden until the perfect moment: Gary's first pokemon, Blastoise. The harsh sunlight would weaken its attacks while empowering Victoria; it was the perfect plan. After summoning the sunlight Victoria used its strength to empower a Solarbeam against Gary's massive turtle which left it brutally wounded but not quite finished. His natural bulk left him barely standing, but strong enough to do a dance that pushed aside the sunlight and caused it to rain heavily. He would do everything in his power to please Gary, knowing his pride was on the line.
    The Blastoise put his fury into one attack boosted by the rain and the torrent within him. Victoria having been weakened by putting her all into one attack, and slowed by the lack of sunlight, could only watch as the burst of water destroyed her. Despite how much she had prepared, she could not stand up to a beast fueled by the rage of his trainer.

    A familiar friend woke me from my memory; Arianna resting her big head on my shoulder. Having been by my side since day one she knew exactly how to cheer me up... by way of lifting me in the air and bearhugging me with her tiny yet powerful arms. The look she gave me told me all I needed to know and I wiped my tears away. We may have been cut down to five teammates but we were still together. A trainer and her five best friends, newly Pokemon League Champions and ready to take on whatever laid ahead. That's how it would have to be, five instead of six. I wouldn't -couldn't- even dream of filling up that sixth slot.

    Victoria would always be the final member of our family.

Sunday, 11 November 2012

My beloved Edward

I'm going to be starting a new nuzlocke run of Pokemon Leafgreen version soon... and while I'm excited because Leafgreen is one of my absolute favourites of the pokemon series I'm rather sad because of the friends I'm going to be leaving behind... one of them especially.

When most people find a Caterpie they shrug it off as just another worthless bug, only useful for cannon fodder. Heck, I normally do as well. But as I started my first ever nuzlocke run of any pokemon game and was running into problems having no pokemon that could stand a chance against Brock; Edward appeared. In the middle of the Viridian forest he shone like the sun, a majestic golden Caterpie. We bonded instantly and I knew I was ready to take on Brock after he had evolved into a Butterfree. Granted my Charmander wound up stealing the spotlight in that battle but Edward was on the sidelines cheering me on. That's how it was for a lot of my journey with him. He may not have been the star of the show but his sparkling jolly nature always shone through on the sidelines.
His cheerfulness was partly because of the love he shared with a certain female Beedrill called Bella. Despite being a plain little bee he loved her with all of his buttery heart. She fought alongside him always, and they made quite the team; her physical needles combined with Edward's innate psychic powers. But that all changed the moment we stepped in Koga's gym, high on confidence. The trainers we had faced up until then were laughable and I made the mistake of assuming that Bella could take on a Hypno seven levels higher than her. I had let Bella die... My mistake took Edward's love from him. But having spent so much time by my side Edward focused his anger on taking out Koga, who had watched and laughed as his love had fallen.
Edward somehow managed to put his trust in me when we faced Koga, as I put his life on the line when facing a potential Explosion from one of the gym leader's Weezings. But using a now-signature combination of Sleep Powder and Psychic Edward single-handedly took out every member of Koga's team, avenging Bella's death. The trust we had formed had conquered our loss... and after that I never once considered Edward anything but a crucial member of my team.

As my team and I approached the Indigo Plateau I was incredibly nervous to face our final challenge. I knew that it could very well destroy us without any remorse. Edward however brought up my spirits, still remaining my number one cheerleader. As I looked in his big rounds eyes and saw how determined and confident he was I knew we were ready.
But it wasn't just Edward and I challenging the Elite Four. I had assembled an amazing team of friends: Cerberus the Magneton, Victoria the Victreebel, Minnie the Sandslash, Vincent the Vaporeon, my original teammate Arianna the Charizard, and of course, Edward the sparkling Butterfree.
Our team made it through the Elite Four without a single loss. Edward had proven himself once more taking out both Bruno and Agatha with very little assistance from his teammates. We were tired, yet proud. However our challenge was not yet complete. We were to face the newest champion, Gary.

Because of type disadvantages Edward stayed on the sidelines as our cheerleader for the match. He perched on my head as I gave the commands that would bring our team to victory. Fate however was not totally on our side. As Gary was brought down to his last pokemon he unleashed a final assault; a Hydro Pump from Blastoise packed with the fury of his trainer broke through every defense of Victoria and shattered her. Gary briefly grinned smugly, pleased that he had not only slain one of my friends but hurt me through it. He had forgotten about the power of true friendship, the same force that had allowed my team to make it as far as we did. The connection forged between each member of the team, and the desire for vengeance, was to be channeled at that moment against him through Cerberus.
The rain Gary had summoned was turned against him as black clouds formed and Cerberus unleashed a perfectly accurate Thunder into the heart of his Blastoise.

When the dust settled and the rain had stopped only we were left standing. I reached out to shake Gary's hand, but as proud as he was I was dismissed. I turned my back to see the remaining members of my team gathered around Victoria's body, heads bowed. I so wanted to be happy, proud even. But I had made a promise that I would not lose a single member of my team after Bella died, and I had failed. I fell to my knees as the tears started to flow. A sad sight, the newest champion of the Pokemon League crying in the middle of the arena.
A warmth though started to embrace me, growing larger and heavier until it surrounded me. I opened my eyes to see Edward, shining brighter than ever before. I felt the heat of Arianna, the rocky ridges of Minnie, Vincent's serene scales, and Cerberus' cold steel holding me, comforting me.
Reminding me of who I was, why I was here, and the reason I made it through my challenges.

I had become the Pokemon League Champion with the best friends I had ever known. We may have lost some friends along the way but we were not failures. A smile broke through the tears as I burst out towards Edward, holding him in my arms. I knew that if I had never had the courage to place my trust in him, and him in I, we would have never succeeded.

So as I look back now I feel saddened to let go of him, and the memories we made. But I will always remember how a little golden Caterpie changed my life, forever.

Friday, 9 November 2012

In other news...

I'm changing my handle here... I've called myself Eclipse on this blog for some reason, despite being known as that well, NOWHERE. But it was fitting... in the way of someone's light being covered up by darkness which is how I feel myself to be... or at least have been all my life.

Now, however... I want to be known online as something that has no ties to my actual name. Something that I can hold onto and really say "That's me!" in a way... so I'm going with Oracle. That's not me trying to inflate my ego.

I like... just now looked up the actual dictionary definition of the word and there's one that states oracle means a divine communication or revelation. I think that most fits what I'm trying to state here.

Oracle to me is a very ambiguous word that doesn't appear strictly masculine or feminine and that's a big plus to me. A big part of it relates to a character in one of the many worlds in my head where Oracle is known as a deity that isn't really talked about much. It's kind of a behind the scenes type of "god" if you will. So it feels natural for me to take that and use it for myself. But that's kind of getting into more than you needed to know detail.

In general, Oracle just feels right to me. It fits me, and it's something that I'm going to keep using.
...and I really needed a "brony" name. And it's that.

OH! Part of the reason I haven't submitted anything for a while is the fact that I'm working on a piece about a certain member of my family and I want it to be perfect. So yeah! Keep tuned :I